Hiatus

Wah!

Assalamualaikum WBT.

It's been awhile. Really. *dusting off my blog*

A lot of things happened these past few months. Happiness. Sadness.

But still, I am thankful for everything.

I finally graduated. Yay! Alhamdulillah.

Yesterday was my birthday. Dec 10th. Really. This year brought a lot of thoughtful meaning to my life. I am really really thankful.

Finished my project paper. Been to Mecca and Medina for my first umrah. It was really a blessed event. Everything happened for a reason.

That person also started to talk to me back. I don't know what Allah planned for me.

But when I think back, with his coming back, talking to him, it is a mistake.

It doesn't benefit me at all. It makes me drifted away.

What made me want to stop study before, HIM.

When I decided to stop talking to him, everything falls perfectly.

Should I stop forever?

Months ago or maybe last year, I was afraid to stop, because I was afraid I had no one to talk and to share things with. But when I stopped, I felt free and less 'puffy eyes'. Haha.

There were so many times I doubting myself, what  is exactly that I gained after I know him?

1) I started to know myself more.

2) Alhamdulillah. I started to be close to Allah. I astrayed for so long.

3) I could differentiate people who are honest and/or just basically want to be with you for their benefits.

4) Sometimes, when people are used to lying, they are not gonna stop. They will never stop. If they are not lying, they will just make excuses.

5) A cheater will always cheat. If you are brave and strong hearted, stay and play along. The show might be really interesting. Wait for the jaw-dropping moment that the cheater will make.

6) This kind of person doesn't deserve someone who is great by their side. But just pray that this cheater will change someday.

I don't wanna lie. I do miss him sometimes. And it hurts me like crazy. I caught myself in between. Sometimes I am too soft and fall for his words.

On the other hand, I am as hard as rock. 

Anyway, wish me the best. 

Aisyah R. A.

Never met her

But I adore her

The never ending love, support

The strength she showed 

Made every women in the whole wide world

Full of jealousy

She was a strong woman

Indeed, she still is

She is alive inside me

'Ummul Mukminin' people called her

She deserved it

The woman of nation

Never ending to inspire

Never stop to be the one

Who ignite the fire

The fire, to be strong for ummah

The love for The Prophet S.A.W.

Still burning 

Will always be there

Aisyah never got married again

Longing to Muhammad

Her Beloved

She was the youngest

Yet, she loved Muhammad wholeheartedly

Muhammad loved her the way she deserved it

O Aisyah!

I am longing to see you and talk to you

I pray that I could be as wisest as you are

Even a tiny part of you

Allahu

-NNF88-

Rindu

Hadir bila keseorangan

Hadir bila terpandang sesuatu

Normal

Rindu hadir bila dia jauh dari mata

jauh dari hati

Kenapa nak dirindui si dia yang belum tentu merinduimu?

Dia antara yang istimewa

Dia menyakitiku tanpa sedarnya

Dia .. tiada kata-kata yang dapat kugambarkan

Aku merinduinya

Semoga dia pun sama

Allahu

Sampaikan rinduku pada dia

Dia yang tidak mungkin merinduiku

-NNF88-

Blessing from The One

Being a Muslim, we always put in trials, test. Why? Because once we realized, why Allah put us in so many test, we will be really thankful. It doesn't matter if the test comes in a good or bad condition. Allah will not put His slave in a test where we couldn't cope with it. We will survive. How do we know we will survive and pass the test?

My life before today, I've been so cruel to myself. I focused on something I shouldn't. I prioritized others than my own self. I indulged in something that weakened myself. I lost something I should've treasure. I put my future on hold. That was my test. I failed so many times. But I tried to get back on my feet again. Because I know, this is not who I am. This is not me. I am not a failure and I am not someone who easily to give up. My self before today, I can say that I didn't try my very best to do things I started. I complained a lot. I hated things I supposed to finish. I wasn't happy. I planned to give up my future. Give up my parents dream, hope. 

But deep down, I know

, I needed help. I seek help from human. I asked for their opinions. They answered, but I never listen. Because at that time, I know, I am right, and they are wrong. I talked to myself, they don't know what they said and what I felt. They don't know a thing. Once again, I really wanted to give up. My future, my life. I am 27 years old. I don't have a job and I felt useless.

Enough with human, the creations. They didn't give me any solutions to my problems. Some of them, I appreciated the most. Because they listened. I seek help from the wrong medium. I know. I pray, fast and do some good things. But I let the devil dominated me. I need to clean myself. There's no one can help me.

But, there's the only one can help me go through this trials. The One, Allah. I seek Him. But you know what, He is always there, watching me. Close enough to me. But I never seek help from Him. How blind I am? How arrogant I am? I asked Him, begged Him, to release my pain, my burden. Each time, whenever I pray, I asked Him to guide me to His straight path. Never let me astray. Bit by bit, everything I needed, coming back to me. His help, I could never explain. Subhanallah. I could never imagine how much He loves me.

My project paper for my postgraduate had been on hold for 2 years. This 2 years, was the most difficult time I ever been. I lost myself, but Alhamdulillah, I found her back. With the mercy from Allah. I learnt a lot. I could never thank Him enough. Just being a faithful slave is what I'm focusing now. With His help, I know and I am sure, I will get through this and will put my life back on the track. InsyaAllah.

-NNF88-

How to Forget a Guy in 10 days

As far as some people in my life knew about my 'relationship' with this guy, I finally left him after a year and 5 months, FINALLEH!! But, still, we can't be too arrogant about that. Maybe someday in the future, he will come back into my life. We planned, but Allah's plan is the greatest. Remember?

So, just like how I mentioned above, to forget is not an easy task. Took a lot of courage and tears. LOL. For me, I tried so hard and I'm still at the first phase. I don't know how many phase because I made the phase myself. Hahahaha.

As a Muslim, the first thing to do is put our trust in Allah 1,000,000% !! There's no one can help us at this rate where one could possibly gone insane, crazy and anything you can come up with. I've been into a denial phase where I wished I never knew him. The most extreme I've ever been was I wished I had amnesia. That's insane right? Yup. Been there, done that.

So, let's go check the list on how to forget a guy you wished you never knew, a guy who shouldn't exist in your life, a guy who broke your heart into pieces, a guy that you are not meant to be:

1. Put your trust in Allah: Allah is the Maker of our heart. He is the One who will heal us. InsyaAllah. You'll see the miracle. Believe in Him that one day, your love will come and save you. That will be the best moment in your life.
2. Doa (pray): Ask Allah to heal your heart, mend the broken heart. Ask for forgiveness because we are a sinner. This heart which beating every second doesn't deserve to beat for a creation. It must beat for the Creator. 
3. Never stalk your ex-man: Never ever ever stalk his social network account. NEVER EVER! Because, you heart will ache by just seeing him smiling happily and licking ice cream with his cat. DON'T DO THAT! 
4. Hide or throw away all the things he gave you: All the things he gave you hold a million of memories which could make you burst into tears in a second, which is not worth it. You have to be strong to face the days. It is not worth where you have to give up and go back to him, begging him to stay by your side. Back to square one ladies? Nuh uh!! Hide it if you think it is worth to keep and important to you. Or you can give it away to anyone else. The meanest thing to do, THROW IT AWAY!!
5. Avoid places you've been with him: Throughout your relationship, for a couple of months, try to avoid the places you had dinner together, cinema you've been to, National Mosque where you guys park the car (HAHAHA) or anywhere that could make you sad and remember all the memories where you were together.
6. Delete his phone number, email, facebook account: As for phone number, it will hurt you even more when you saw his face with the new one on his Whatsapp account, or FB account. LOL. So, delete it. It is way better and will make you happier. Trust me!
7. Watch funny movies: Laugh your ass off!! You are happy without him. Watch Running Man. That's what I do.
8. Go out with friends and surround yourself with people: This is to avoid you from being lonely. Being alone by yourself is not good at all. This situation will make your memories with him come flooding. Then, you'll miss him. He doesn't deserve you. And you are deserve to be happy. Make yourself busy!
9. Smile: Smile is Sadaqah. The more you smile, the more Allah gives you thing you are deserve. Don't make your life miserable. Even you feel miserable, smile!
10. Read Quran: This is the important one. Read Quran and understand it. You'll find the answer. You will. And by reading it, your heart will be at ease. There's no one or nothing could be close to us, only Holy Quran. Allah talk to you through Quran. If you don't read and understand it, how will you find the answer? How you feel at ease? 

That's all. I think. If I have more, I will update it for sure. InsyaAllah.

-NNF88-

Doa

Bila manusia mula bergantung pada selain daripada Allah, maka terumbang-ambinglah hidupnya. Aku pernah bergantung pada seseorang. Aku pada masa itu percaya yang dia mampu membahagiakanku. Percaya yang dia tidak akan kecewakan aku. Aku serahkan hati aku pada dia. Aku buta dengan rasa sayang aku pada dia.

Dalam pada masa yang sama, aku berdoa pada Tuhan, jika dia untukku, satukan, dekatkan. Jika dia bukan untukku, jauhkan, pisahkan dia dariku. Saban hari aku sebutkan namanya dalam solatku, dalam sujudku. Hati aku kuat mengatakan, dia dijadikan untukku. Perit, pedih, sendu, pilu, aku tetap padanya. Aku buta. Bergantung harap pada dia yang juga tidak tahu kesudahan kisah aku dan dia.

Beberapa kali aku pasrah tapi aku harus bangkit. Bangkit dengan harapan agar aku lebih gembira. Sejak dari hari itu, aku letakkan harapan ku yang menggunung padaNya. Kerana aku tahu, Dia takkan pernah sesekali menghampakanku. Aku akui, setelah meninggalkkanya jauh dari hidupku, aku merasa lebih tenang. Bak kata orang, tak semestinya orang yang kita suka, mampu membahagiakan kita. Kali ini, aku nekad untuk jauh dari dia. Jika dulu, dia diibaratkan sebagai parasit. Menyedut segala zat aku, gembiraku, tangisku. Terima kasih juga pada dia. Kerana dia hadir dalam hidupku, aku lebih bersyukur sekarang. Aku lebih matang. Lebih segalanya dari sebelumnya.

Dendam? Tiada dendam untuk dia. Cuma doa yang sentiasa aku iringi dalam solatku. Semoga dia diberikan kesihatan yang terbaik. Aku tahu dan yakin. Allah itu Maha Adil dan Maha Penyayang. Biarlah memori yang manis tentang dia aku simpan, yang pahit biarlah berlalu pergi. Biarlah aku kenang dia sebagai insan yang baik pernah aku kenali. Biarlah apa pun niat dia sepanjang perkenalan, aku redha, aku terimanya.

-NNF88-

Ups and Downs

Pasang dan surut

Dikawal bulan

Manusia kalah dengan nafsu, seringkali

Manusia

Hari ni dia kata A

Besok dia kata B

Manusia

Hari ni iman setinggi gunung Everest

Besok, senipis roti tisu

Mulut

Diam, terkunci

Hati

Pilu, meratap

Tuhanku,

Kuatkan aku

-NNF88-

Nice to Meet You

Being in love is just like in a battle. A battle with our own selves. We made mistakes. We get mad over things. Even over little things. Exploded even. Through that, we get to find ourselves. We get to know us even better.

Since 2014, I have been battling with my inner self. I've been so bad to myself until I couldn't recognize it anymore. I got upset, unhappy and I cried easily. I want things that were not for me. I was selfish. I was arrogant. I did bad things that I regretted doing it. I always do. I repented for my mistakes over and over again. Just because, I kept repeating the same mistakes. I am bad.

This journey of life I'm taking now, is part of meeting myself, the best of me. InsyaAllah. Allah loves the sinner. And one day, when I look back, I will see me, smiling at my best self and say, "You did it!"

With all the things happened, knowing and fall in love with someone I shouldn't, I never regretted it. Knowing him is the best thing happened to me and the best lesson I've ever learned. Leaving him, was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you;

And perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.

And Allah knows, while you know not.

Al-Baqarah: 216

-NNF88-

Journey of Letting Go

It has been 9 days since I last talked to him. The one I looked up to for a year and 5 months. There were so many times that I decided to leave him. But at that time, I wasn't strong enough to walk away. I was afraid, if I let him go and leave him, I might be alone. That I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

To let go is not easy. It took all your courage to start walking and not turning back. Turn back to your position where you hurted yourself without you realizing it. Yes. I have hurted myself for so many times that I can say, I don't feel hurt anymore. Every breathe I took, it stucked on my throat and I always say to myself, things will be alright if I stay with him. I know, that I am the one who loves him, and he will never love me back. For him, it's impossible. But for me, I could do anything for him. 

After our first and last meet, I have been miserable. I could not control and contain myself and believe that I could be a friend to him just how he wanted us to be. I got confused. At times, I could be a friend, a sister to him. And the rest of the time, I want to be his. I struggled most of the time of not crossing the line.

I told him, And he answered, why can't I treat him as he treated me, as a friend and dear sister? In my head, I cursed him. How I wish that Allah take away this feeling just to ease my pain of seeing him with other woman. It is not me who want this to happen. It is not me who want to love him wholeheartedly. Who made this heart? Who is the One who ignites this feeling?

It has been 9 days since our last goodbye. He told me to take a rest from talking to each other. But I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to smile like nothing has happened. It hurted me. Hurted me so bad that I feel like going somewhere that could make me forget about him. Everything about him. Everything that we shared together.

On that day, I drove back to my hometown. Leaving my parents and my baby, JC boy (a cat). I believed if I stay home, I could not trust myself and will try to talk to him again. Because I know, I made the right decision to leave him. He hurted me a lot. Even he said sorry for million times, It could never ease my pain. The aching heart. 

On that day too, the new friend left me without saying anything. Without knowing what I did wrong. Without saying goodbye to me. I had bothered him with my suck love story and I believed I'd annoyed him. I'm sorry for that.

In times, Allah will help me ease the pain. And may Allah bless both of them and take a good care of them whenever wherever they are. I pray the best for them. Thank you and I will definitely move on to the next chapter of my life.

InsyaAllah.

-NNF88-

Give Up

I always wonder how it feels to give up on things we hold on for so long. Let go is the other words for it. By letting go or giving up, will I end up hopeless or lost or the worst could be, depress to die?

No. I'm not gonna die. But the aching hurt inside me will always be there. I always thinking of giving up or quitting my study. Always. Everyday, I will cry just by thinking about it. How I hate it? Why did I further study anyway? Why?

I came across someone who asked me, what did make me depress, unhappy and sad everyday? Without even having a second thought, study and relationship. I hate studying and I can't be with someone I love. It kills me everyday. I thought I will get immune by it everyday.

He said, "Just hold on to it. Only 3 months left." What if I fail again? Allah taught us to never give up. Because His mercy is beyond anything in this world. I can't give up now. Soon, I will find my happiness.

I will keep fighting it. Whether it's for study or relationship. I have to keep in faith in Allah. I can't be depress. I just can't. Not now.

-NNF88-

Young Lover's Romance

The first time I set my eyes on him

I blushed, I flushed

Told myself

This isn't real

This is a dream

I couldn't look into his eyes

Nervous, maybe

Or I could fall for him again

Which promised not to

Hard to swallow

Every bites seems so hard to gulp down

I was starving but

Just thinking the end of this meet

Made me full

Looked into his eyes

Deep inside

I suffocated

Truly Madly Deeply

I love this man

Saying goodbye

I was in rush

Not letting him see my tears

Inside, I begged him to stay

Stay longer

I wish everyday is March 14th.

-NNF88-

Fish in a Tank

Baru-baru ni, Adam, sepupuku, si kenit comel sama umur dengan anak buahku, Raiyan, 'menghadiahkan' 8 ekor ikan betok (?). Secara fizikalnya, rupa ikan tu macam ikan puyu yang pernah aku tangkap di waktu musim tengkujuh (jangan ditanya kenapa aku sedemikian, faktor adik beradik lelaki lebih ramai barangkali).

Asalnya, ikan-ikan itu ditempatkan dalam balang biskut plastik. Tutup botolnya si Adam tebuk. Sebagai lubang untuk ikan bernafas katanya. Ya. Sangat buruk dipandang. Tak ingin pun dipandang. Aku dengan baik hatinya, ke kedai haiwan peliharaan membeli sebuah akuarium plastik. Diberi pilihan untuk tudung akuarium. Merah jambu aku pilih. *senyum* hint: pinky.

Aku pindahkan ikan-ikan ke dalam akuarium. Rumah baru untuk ikan yang tak berapa comel. Tapi siapa aku untuk menghakimi rupa paras ciptaan Tuhan. 2 minggu ikan-ikan itu bermastautin di rumah aku. 2 hari sekali juga aku akan tukar air. Bau macam longkang. Gas hasil buangan ikan-ikan tak berapa comel menusuk hidung mancungku. Yuck! Nasib kau comel sikit dari Pek (kucing feberet mama dan papa aku).

Aku tempatkan ikan-ikan itu di atas almari pinggan mangkuk menghala ke dapur. Hari ini, Mac 4, aku singgah berborak dengan mereka. Aku, "Korang tak bosan ke asyik ulang alik kat tempat sama?"

Ikan-ikan yang tak berapa comel menjawab, bloob bloob bloob. Lompat ke atas, berenang-renang bagaikan tiada masalah politik ingin difikirkan. Papa yang sedang sibuk menyedut dan menghembus rokoknya, "Kalau letak batu-batu, boleh la diorang main celah-celah tu." Aku menjawab dalam hati, takde masa nak layan ikan-ikan tak berapa comel ni. Banyak songeh.

Ya. Aku masih tertanya-tanya. Dulu, ikan-ikan tu bebas berenang-renang di celah rumput rumpai dalam sungai. Mungkin, ikan-ikan itu dah berbakul menyumpah seranah si Adam. Eh! budak! kenapa tangkap kami? Bosan ke ikan-ikan tu? Kononnya, ikan-ikan ni dapat menakutkan syaitan. Wallahua'lam. Syirik rasanya. Tapi bagi aku, aku dah mula sayang ikan-ikan yang tak berapa comel ni. Dan makin bertambah tanggungjawab aku. *senyum*

Ikan-ikan tu berenang-renang dengan ligatnya. Tak perasankah mereka, tempat sama yang mereka berenang-renang? Pusing-pusing, muka yang sama mereka tengok. Setiap saat, setiap masa. Oh! Binatang tiada akal nak berfikir. Lupa! 

-NNF88-

Today, I'm also Looking for You

Beneath this endless sky

Where are You right now?

Who did You meet today?

What did You talk about?

Where did You go?

When was the last time You thought about me?

Who are You in love with?

-Bokura Ga Ita-

Nikmat

Pernah kira tak

Berapa banyaknya nikmat yang kita ada sekarang?

Tak terhitung dek akal

Kita selalu lupa

Nikmat yang kita ada

Selalu mengaburi mata

Nikmat tubuh badan yang sihat

Bila tangan yang sakit, mulut juga terasa

Bila sakit, mulalah rasa nak dekat dengan Sang Pencipta

Tapi manusia, diciptakan untuk lalai

Kenapa?

Masih bernafas sehingga saat ini

Tahniah!

Masih diberi peluang untuk baikpulih apa yang rosak

Hati...ya hati

Bila hati dah rosak, susah nak pulih

Ada yang tak pulih-pulih

Kepada yang berjaya, Tahniah!

Mulut berbicara

'Esok aku berubahlah.'

Senang. Amat senang.

Apa yang nak diubah?

Nikmat yang mengaburi mata

Manusia pula Sang Pelupa dan Sang Sombong

Hari ini diberi rezeki lebih, Alhamdulillah pun tak singgah dibibir

Besoknya, rezeki ditarik

Mulut menyumpah seranah

Bagai dia aja ditimpa segunung masalah

Aku, diberi nikmat

Yang aku sendiri lalai

Aku tersungkur menyembah nikmat itu

Hanya kepadaMu aku kembali

Aku sering kembali

Tapi aku juga bongkak

Harus diingat

Semua kebahagiaan diberi

Boleh lenyap sekelip mata

Aku, aku pernah menikmati kebahagiaan sebegitu rupa

Aku bahagia

Tapi aku juga derita, akhirnya

Bergantung harap pada insan 

Yang juga ciptaanNya

Aku silap

Silap besar

Dalam doa kutitipkan

Supaya dikembalikan suci 

Bagai kain putih

Tanpa secalit kekotoran

-NNF88-

Kinky Thought of Black and White

Black and White are powerful colours. As for me, I adore those colours.

In photography, it makes you think and wonder, what the real colour behind it.

Was it a red, or blue? You'll never know.

When every colour you chose seems wrong. Choose white or black.

It'll never goes wrong.

As for our lives, if you see it gone wrong, go back and choose the first that came out from your mind.

-NNF88-

Move On

I started to write again. Blogging actually. I'm very bad at writing. Sangat teruk. I don't see myself as a writer. Not even an amateur. Not trying to be down to earth or humble. But I'm sucks. 

Last year, on Feb, I wrote my first entry. It was the time I had my heart broken.

Today, I started to write back not because I'm heartbroken. But as someone who broke someone's heart. Do I felt guilty? Hell yeah.

There's a time in your life where you feel at your lowest low. You felt you don't deserve anything good in your life. You felt like you wanted to disappear into thin air. So that no one will find you. I felt that before. I told someone about this. It is wrong to feel like that. It was like I'm not grateful enough of everything I have.

It is unfair to treat ourselves so bad. But I am very good at breaking my own heart. I am very good at crying. He knows it.

There were few people I talked about what I have experienced. Most of them said, accept it and move on.

Someone told me recently, "please write something when you are happy."

I laughed when I read his text. Was it too obvious? I only write when I am sad. Miserable.

I'll leave you with this quote from a good book I read, Goji Bundy br Riduan A. Dullah.

" Pada aku, move on itu bukanlah berlalu pergi meninggalkan mahupun melupakan. Tapi bagaimana untuk terus hidup dengan memori yang ada tanpa ada sedikit pun perasan atau penafian." 

 

-NNF88- 

Weirdo

It is so weird to hurt someone you don't even know.

Whether you apologized for the mistake you've done, it felt so wrong.

They might ended up forgiving you or ignoring you.

It's all depends on them.

You can't do anything.

Just wait and accept it.

-NNF88-

Open Your Heart

Heart is protected by rib cage
Close to the chest
It was built by a strong tissues
It is it's nature to be strong
Stronger than the bones

People said
Break my bones
Rather than my heart

A broken bone will heal
A broken heart will never do

Open your heart
Let people in
For what?
To break it again?
If the heart can be seen like the skins
I assure you
It must be uglier than skin-covered tattoos
Than a battle scar

A year had passed
I'm still there, thinking
It would've been better if I close the heart
Not let people in

He said, move on
I said, whispering to my ears
You have moved on, but
The pain still there and always be there
The bitterness, the sweetness
You will always taste it deep inside the throat

Open your heart
Here I am
I hurted someone that I might care in the future

My new friend, it's what I called him