Nice to Meet You

Being in love is just like in a battle. A battle with our own selves. We made mistakes. We get mad over things. Even over little things. Exploded even. Through that, we get to find ourselves. We get to know us even better.

Since 2014, I have been battling with my inner self. I've been so bad to myself until I couldn't recognize it anymore. I got upset, unhappy and I cried easily. I want things that were not for me. I was selfish. I was arrogant. I did bad things that I regretted doing it. I always do. I repented for my mistakes over and over again. Just because, I kept repeating the same mistakes. I am bad.

This journey of life I'm taking now, is part of meeting myself, the best of me. InsyaAllah. Allah loves the sinner. And one day, when I look back, I will see me, smiling at my best self and say, "You did it!"

With all the things happened, knowing and fall in love with someone I shouldn't, I never regretted it. Knowing him is the best thing happened to me and the best lesson I've ever learned. Leaving him, was the best decision I've ever made in my life.

But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you;

And perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you.

And Allah knows, while you know not.

Al-Baqarah: 216

-NNF88-

Journey of Letting Go

It has been 9 days since I last talked to him. The one I looked up to for a year and 5 months. There were so many times that I decided to leave him. But at that time, I wasn't strong enough to walk away. I was afraid, if I let him go and leave him, I might be alone. That I don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

To let go is not easy. It took all your courage to start walking and not turning back. Turn back to your position where you hurted yourself without you realizing it. Yes. I have hurted myself for so many times that I can say, I don't feel hurt anymore. Every breathe I took, it stucked on my throat and I always say to myself, things will be alright if I stay with him. I know, that I am the one who loves him, and he will never love me back. For him, it's impossible. But for me, I could do anything for him. 

After our first and last meet, I have been miserable. I could not control and contain myself and believe that I could be a friend to him just how he wanted us to be. I got confused. At times, I could be a friend, a sister to him. And the rest of the time, I want to be his. I struggled most of the time of not crossing the line.

I told him, And he answered, why can't I treat him as he treated me, as a friend and dear sister? In my head, I cursed him. How I wish that Allah take away this feeling just to ease my pain of seeing him with other woman. It is not me who want this to happen. It is not me who want to love him wholeheartedly. Who made this heart? Who is the One who ignites this feeling?

It has been 9 days since our last goodbye. He told me to take a rest from talking to each other. But I can't. I can't do this anymore. I can't pretend to smile like nothing has happened. It hurted me. Hurted me so bad that I feel like going somewhere that could make me forget about him. Everything about him. Everything that we shared together.

On that day, I drove back to my hometown. Leaving my parents and my baby, JC boy (a cat). I believed if I stay home, I could not trust myself and will try to talk to him again. Because I know, I made the right decision to leave him. He hurted me a lot. Even he said sorry for million times, It could never ease my pain. The aching heart. 

On that day too, the new friend left me without saying anything. Without knowing what I did wrong. Without saying goodbye to me. I had bothered him with my suck love story and I believed I'd annoyed him. I'm sorry for that.

In times, Allah will help me ease the pain. And may Allah bless both of them and take a good care of them whenever wherever they are. I pray the best for them. Thank you and I will definitely move on to the next chapter of my life.

InsyaAllah.

-NNF88-

Give Up

I always wonder how it feels to give up on things we hold on for so long. Let go is the other words for it. By letting go or giving up, will I end up hopeless or lost or the worst could be, depress to die?

No. I'm not gonna die. But the aching hurt inside me will always be there. I always thinking of giving up or quitting my study. Always. Everyday, I will cry just by thinking about it. How I hate it? Why did I further study anyway? Why?

I came across someone who asked me, what did make me depress, unhappy and sad everyday? Without even having a second thought, study and relationship. I hate studying and I can't be with someone I love. It kills me everyday. I thought I will get immune by it everyday.

He said, "Just hold on to it. Only 3 months left." What if I fail again? Allah taught us to never give up. Because His mercy is beyond anything in this world. I can't give up now. Soon, I will find my happiness.

I will keep fighting it. Whether it's for study or relationship. I have to keep in faith in Allah. I can't be depress. I just can't. Not now.

-NNF88-

Young Lover's Romance

The first time I set my eyes on him

I blushed, I flushed

Told myself

This isn't real

This is a dream

I couldn't look into his eyes

Nervous, maybe

Or I could fall for him again

Which promised not to

Hard to swallow

Every bites seems so hard to gulp down

I was starving but

Just thinking the end of this meet

Made me full

Looked into his eyes

Deep inside

I suffocated

Truly Madly Deeply

I love this man

Saying goodbye

I was in rush

Not letting him see my tears

Inside, I begged him to stay

Stay longer

I wish everyday is March 14th.

-NNF88-

Fish in a Tank

Baru-baru ni, Adam, sepupuku, si kenit comel sama umur dengan anak buahku, Raiyan, 'menghadiahkan' 8 ekor ikan betok (?). Secara fizikalnya, rupa ikan tu macam ikan puyu yang pernah aku tangkap di waktu musim tengkujuh (jangan ditanya kenapa aku sedemikian, faktor adik beradik lelaki lebih ramai barangkali).

Asalnya, ikan-ikan itu ditempatkan dalam balang biskut plastik. Tutup botolnya si Adam tebuk. Sebagai lubang untuk ikan bernafas katanya. Ya. Sangat buruk dipandang. Tak ingin pun dipandang. Aku dengan baik hatinya, ke kedai haiwan peliharaan membeli sebuah akuarium plastik. Diberi pilihan untuk tudung akuarium. Merah jambu aku pilih. *senyum* hint: pinky.

Aku pindahkan ikan-ikan ke dalam akuarium. Rumah baru untuk ikan yang tak berapa comel. Tapi siapa aku untuk menghakimi rupa paras ciptaan Tuhan. 2 minggu ikan-ikan itu bermastautin di rumah aku. 2 hari sekali juga aku akan tukar air. Bau macam longkang. Gas hasil buangan ikan-ikan tak berapa comel menusuk hidung mancungku. Yuck! Nasib kau comel sikit dari Pek (kucing feberet mama dan papa aku).

Aku tempatkan ikan-ikan itu di atas almari pinggan mangkuk menghala ke dapur. Hari ini, Mac 4, aku singgah berborak dengan mereka. Aku, "Korang tak bosan ke asyik ulang alik kat tempat sama?"

Ikan-ikan yang tak berapa comel menjawab, bloob bloob bloob. Lompat ke atas, berenang-renang bagaikan tiada masalah politik ingin difikirkan. Papa yang sedang sibuk menyedut dan menghembus rokoknya, "Kalau letak batu-batu, boleh la diorang main celah-celah tu." Aku menjawab dalam hati, takde masa nak layan ikan-ikan tak berapa comel ni. Banyak songeh.

Ya. Aku masih tertanya-tanya. Dulu, ikan-ikan tu bebas berenang-renang di celah rumput rumpai dalam sungai. Mungkin, ikan-ikan itu dah berbakul menyumpah seranah si Adam. Eh! budak! kenapa tangkap kami? Bosan ke ikan-ikan tu? Kononnya, ikan-ikan ni dapat menakutkan syaitan. Wallahua'lam. Syirik rasanya. Tapi bagi aku, aku dah mula sayang ikan-ikan yang tak berapa comel ni. Dan makin bertambah tanggungjawab aku. *senyum*

Ikan-ikan tu berenang-renang dengan ligatnya. Tak perasankah mereka, tempat sama yang mereka berenang-renang? Pusing-pusing, muka yang sama mereka tengok. Setiap saat, setiap masa. Oh! Binatang tiada akal nak berfikir. Lupa! 

-NNF88-

Today, I'm also Looking for You

Beneath this endless sky

Where are You right now?

Who did You meet today?

What did You talk about?

Where did You go?

When was the last time You thought about me?

Who are You in love with?

-Bokura Ga Ita-